- May 25, 2023
- 2 min read

Expansive Intimacy EP05: How Men Actually Cry, featuring Dxtr Spits

“It’s a lot better on the other side.”

Exploring how men actually cry with Dxtr Spits.

So says Dxtr Spits, a spoken word artist, jack of all trades, and founder of “How Men Cry” as he talks about learning to open up and be more vulnerable.

Like Jim, Dxtr was conditioned at a young age by those around him to suppress his sensitive nature. Through writing, performing, and therapy Dxtr continues to reach a more authentic self, and through an ever-deepening meditation and mindfulness practice, shows himself patience and compassion. He talks about learning to embrace long hugs, including with other men, and working through the lingering stigma attached to male intimacy.

“Water,” one of the poems that is central to the How Men Cry project's core message, serves as a metaphor for mens’ tendency to let pressure build up until it becomes unbearable, if they are even aware of their pressures at all. For men, unexpressed emotion often presents in self-harm, addiction and suicide. Still when he does cry, it it is often out of regret for the missed opportunities at connection and consolation.

Dxtr echoes the essence of expansive intimacy when he notes that it’s important to have different sources of intimacy to rely on, such as friend groups, intimate partners, mentors, and even pets. He also explains the work he does with his mentor, Dr. Nikki Giovanni of Virginia Tech, and what men can learn from the way women handle breakups.

Quotes

“When you take a longer look at yourself sometimes you're not necessarily who you think you are…it was a gradual process of continuously looking inward, turning towards myself more, and actually appreciating these things, thinking this is comforting to me. Then over time, that grew with confidence.” (14:06-14:51 | Dxtr)

“The beneficial part of writing and performing is I think that's one of my greater resiliency factors, for sure. It has definitely helped to have outlets.” (19:52-20:04 | Dxtr)

“We don't even know we're swimming in this ‘I'm fine’ pool. That might be our tears, right?” (32:12-32:19 | Jim)

“You may not see these things until a lot later and the build up to me is worse because you're…suffering in silence all the way up to it.” (34:38-34:54 | Dxtr)