Our ability to think creatively and collaboratively and productively and stay in flow is directly tied to our sense of safety and our sense of trust and our sense of alignment. And right in the heart of that is intimacy.
- Dan Doty
This week's guest is Dan Doty, men’s work leader and founder of Evryman, a company which teaches emotional vulnerability to men.
From an early age growing up in small town North Dakota, Dan lay awake at night taken with major questions about spirituality and existence. By the age of 20, he was working as a wilderness therapy guide, leading trips for young men struggling in life. He recalls one memorable event in particular that shaped the way he saw male intimacy, connection and friendship, and served as the impetus for eventually founding Evryman.
Dan and Jim discuss the societal expectations placed on men to power through life and suppress emotion under the classic guise of being “tough.” Jim sees the next generation of young men as already showing a vast emotional capacity that it took previous generations of men decades to establish. He and Dan discuss what intimacy and vulnerability look like as they apply to fatherhood, how becoming a dad changes a person and what intimacy with a partner looks like after having kids.
Jim cites a study from the American Survey Center which finds that since 1990, increasingly fewer men report having six or more close relationships in their lives. He and Dan dispel the myth of the lone wolf, discuss the role that trauma plays in the problem, and the overall importance of friendship. Life is rich, Jim says, when we have a range of relationships in all areas of our lives.
“To get men to open up, you just need to do it in front of them first…It’s powerful.” (11:37-12:01 | Dan)
“Being honest with yourself and others, being true to the moment, and being vulnerable is the hardest thing to do.”
“It's a chronic belief or mindset or way of being, that one's value or manhood or masculinity, is wed to old school ideas of the cowboy shit…and the myth of the lone wolf.” (26:53-27:31 | Dan)
“Vulnerability multiplied by time equals depth of friendship.” (31:55-32:00 | Dan)
“Since we’ve got so many good equations going on, let's try this one out: Trauma, plus the belief that a man doesn’t open his mouth and speak and get vulnerable, equals f****** disaster.” (36:04-36:19 | Dan)
Listen on: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Podbean | Google Podcasts | Amazon Music
Connect with Dan Doty: Website: www.dandoty.com
Instagram: @dandoty Dan's guide on how to make friends: https://www.healthline.com/health/mens-health/man-2-0-how-to-make-friends-as-an-adult-man
More from Jim Young: Connect on LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/thecenteredcoach
Check out Expansive Intimacy coaching for men: https://www.thecenteredcoach.com/expansive-intimacy-coaching
Get the Expansive Intimacy book: https://www.amazon.com/Expansive-Intimacy-Tough-Defeat-Burnout/dp/B0BFTSZ4ZG/